They ask me if I've the patience... Of course, I do. I've lots of patience to put up with myself. Isn't that what being lonely is all about. Putting up with yourself. I would have to make a choice here. I've to decide the aim and purpose of this spot. All along in my life, I've these two extremely different souls inhabiting my Self. One that's down below, finding a place for itself in the lowest rungs of maslow's ladder... the basic human trivialities, the smiles and sighs and the all pervading human insecurities - The one that survives, lives and dies on what the world gives it. The other... platonic and intellectually challenging, rising beyond the factual and the obvious ... prying into the ifs, buts and the whys and what fors of life.... - The one that defines the self as it is, takes it beyond survival and gives it life, sees not just matter or bodies but people, loves them not just for what they do but for what they are, widens the vision beyond the world that I need to live in and takes pleasure in the discovery of truth and happiness. I've reached a point where I've to make a choice .. as to who shalt be gifted this space for thought. My Partisan self has always favored the brilliant - hiding the meek and the insecure behind those deep walls of the prison called heart, never letting it out, calling it mine and showcasing it in the circle. It doesn't deserve the attention... I would always say and the meek shall never inherit the earth. But she tells me, I should ... I should let it live coz that's an indispensable part of what Iam, and in many ways, the elixir on which the intellectual thrives upon.... But, I never know when I shall let that happen. All around me, I see people serving as alter egos for that neglected soul, letting me see it as one of those people... and this basic human need to be able to see yourself different from the crowd supercedes any mercy that I would have for this soul. I do realise it's detrimental if not fatal for me. I've to find someone who can love that soul, tend it with patience and see it as one's own kid and smile at its childishness. And at the sametime, realise the heights of ego of the intellectual soul that cohabits with this kid, and learn to appreciate and engage the acumen and the insight of the informed. It's not to find ... but to learn to trust someone to give yourself to them... I shall wait for those illusions to come true .. to surrender myself to the truth I believe in. And let's hope this wait never gets too long ....   ¶ 2:24 PM