Summer Showers
Friday, November 29, 2002
  The bliss of Solitude as I just told him. After that tornado that stuck me yesterday afternoon.. I guess, Iam slowly recuperating trying to find all the pieces of this jigsaw puzzle called life. When the realisation stuck me that Iam not going anywhere, when right before me are roads to all places and choosing one is not a matter of choice but of compulsion. Guess, I have inched towards one of them now.. let's hope this momentum continues, and accelerates with time and initiatives.
You know the worst punishment that any living soul could experience... living with something that is irrepairable, that is so totally beyond your capacity and yet shall disturb your life as you can never fathom. Something that shuns you from the right to possess what you like and leaves you helpless and invalid. All you can do is to stare at it and file a million cases to the one above, asking him reasons for having done so. I can survive of course, deserting all that I loved and dying as a survivor in the land of death. Sometimes I start asking myself this... You work so hard to make a home of your own and feel protective and responsible for it. Is that the end of the human race? And if someone defies this assumption of seeing his home as the culmination of his endeavours.. what is the binding factor in his life? And if all I love is never mine.. on what shall depend where I want to go? I shall be this soul without a body of its own.. walking in the wind with the clouds where my whims take me. And when a time shall come when the one above shall mark the irrepairable distance between the loved and me ... I realise I shall just walk away from all that's around me. Am I right when I say, when you love something so much and see your world spin as that as your world's axis.. you learn to live with a universe that's lifeless and passive coz' all the life is within you... within those characters that inhabit your heart. A time shall come, when even the reality that those loved ones are not yours anymore wouldn't shake you out of this daydream of yours and you continue to live your life with those toys in the mind's lair... oblivious to the seasons, people, skies, stars and the worlds beyond. God give me the strength to keep my loved ones happy and the poise to leave them for the faith that, they will be happier elsewhere. God, give this soul death than the realisation that it is not capable of carving a smile on the face it loves the most. God give me the hope to believe life is anyday better than death. God... Let me Live. Amen.

 
Saturday, November 23, 2002
  They ask me if I've the patience... Of course, I do. I've lots of patience to put up with myself. Isn't that what being lonely is all about. Putting up with yourself. I would have to make a choice here. I've to decide the aim and purpose of this spot. All along in my life, I've these two extremely different souls inhabiting my Self. One that's down below, finding a place for itself in the lowest rungs of maslow's ladder... the basic human trivialities, the smiles and sighs and the all pervading human insecurities - The one that survives, lives and dies on what the world gives it. The other... platonic and intellectually challenging, rising beyond the factual and the obvious ... prying into the ifs, buts and the whys and what fors of life.... - The one that defines the self as it is, takes it beyond survival and gives it life, sees not just matter or bodies but people, loves them not just for what they do but for what they are, widens the vision beyond the world that I need to live in and takes pleasure in the discovery of truth and happiness. I've reached a point where I've to make a choice .. as to who shalt be gifted this space for thought. My Partisan self has always favored the brilliant - hiding the meek and the insecure behind those deep walls of the prison called heart, never letting it out, calling it mine and showcasing it in the circle. It doesn't deserve the attention... I would always say and the meek shall never inherit the earth. But she tells me, I should ... I should let it live coz that's an indispensable part of what Iam, and in many ways, the elixir on which the intellectual thrives upon.... But, I never know when I shall let that happen. All around me, I see people serving as alter egos for that neglected soul, letting me see it as one of those people... and this basic human need to be able to see yourself different from the crowd supercedes any mercy that I would have for this soul. I do realise it's detrimental if not fatal for me. I've to find someone who can love that soul, tend it with patience and see it as one's own kid and smile at its childishness. And at the sametime, realise the heights of ego of the intellectual soul that cohabits with this kid, and learn to appreciate and engage the acumen and the insight of the informed. It's not to find ... but to learn to trust someone to give yourself to them... I shall wait for those illusions to come true .. to surrender myself to the truth I believe in. And let's hope this wait never gets too long ....  
Monday, November 18, 2002
  Now.. this isn't too late. Iam sure there's no point in dropping in a few lines here everyday for the sake of it... I shall do it when I feel like. Comfort knows no bounds.. First, I wanted a computer and its keyboard over a paper and a pen and now, I need a PDA or a desktop so that I don't have to come to my office to do this... so that I can do it with all the ease in the world sitting on my bed with a hot mug of tea! So, what do I have to say? Going back on what I was thinking in the cafe on the saturday afternoon, What makes an excellent conversationalist? 2 things - One, resistance to inquisitiveness- accepting the state of ignorance when you know you can push further and get what you want to know. I guess, this trait goes a long way in putting somone's comfort beyond your satisfaction. Two, avoiding talking about you - Self is the most interesting topic for all of us. But it's pretty hard to restrain from talking about yourself everytime. Just to rephrase what Iam saying. .. the attitude of leading the conversation to make space for what you want to say is not the 'best practice'. Learn to build on where it's heading to... try remembering all the new things that you learn.
Why am I writing all this? :) Good question. It's just to make sure I've not forgotten the art of what I want to say. It's a truth that I would always want to reaffirm to keep me going. And I tell myself again.. not to stagnate, stop and die! There's a wide ocean beyond me which for no reason Iam withholding from. I wouldn't expect anybody even my own illusions to understand what Iam driving at! But I know Iam on the right road .. the woods are lonely dark and deep. But I have promises to keep... sands of time to be walked upon before letting my legs to rest... that's a long way to go but I know ..."what we do in life echoes in eternity! I've no fear of death coz Iam already in the elysium!"
 
Friday, November 15, 2002
  It's been quite a long time now... So Iam back.. after seeing the Whole world under my palm from on top of the Vatican church. Frankly, I don't attribute anything to this trip. It's not one of those occasions that made a difference at heart... as did my first trip to eteratat. I went, I saw, I came back. period.
So, back to work. For the last two weeks, I've been trying to fight laziness, that's caught me like a vice as never before. I seem to love this state of hibernation that starts when I sluggishly get myself out of the bed in the morning till the moment I go to sleep and boy, I sleep like a corpse... god knows out of what fatigue!
I realise.. I don't have anything to contribute here. It's just been yet another day out of the book called A MILLION DULL DAYS! And yeah... the pursuit for truth is still alive-the only reason that drives my life everyday. Questions over questions on every single activity that I do.. .an afterthought about every single word of mine and even the minutest consequence attributed to it. Sometimes... I dismiss them coz I feel they are too trivial to be put to words.. .they say, even your worst enemy sometimes has the best advice for you. Mine did. A reaffirmation of the eternal powers of introspection.
And again at the end of this day, I remind myself of all the resolutions I make and break... never letting them live for more than a week. I still promise myself that someday I shall carry them out... and when shall that day be.. Iam sure even the mother of god has no answer. I don't know if I would find life interesting once I get to do all that I want ... maintenance and testing are never as interesting as design and development - however essential the Software engineer in me tries to prove they are. As he says.. Iam alive. That's all that matters. Is it? Objection my Lord! 
Thursday, November 07, 2002
  Iam a stateless soul. Ask me my happiest, saddest, most melodramatic, highly emotional moments of life and all that you would get is blank face. And may be that's why I think I've never been as irritated as Iam right now. I knew this was going to happen... when I saw the sky I had to reach was a trifle too far from where I stand in the road.. It's a pain wishing for something to happen when you the odds for it to happen are comparable to subatomic standards. So ladies and gentlemen.. yet again, I lose a chance to dance. Iam taking it.. Iam fine. I know everything will be ok. You know what I think. I've to quit talking to a third person. I've to name you... my spot... you are what "Dear diary" was to nandhu, "Wilson" to tom hanks in cast away.. yet another virtual, all-smiles, passive soul in the world that I've for myself.
It's all straight from an horror story.. Believe me, I know you will, I saw all this running like a movie frame by frame today morning as soon as I woke up. I knew it when I retired to privacy in the afternoon... everything that was to follow was going to be a disaster. Right from the coffee that I wanted to those painful moments I was sitting in the room all alone watching the video like a ghost.
Phew.. let me get past my blues. Lots of things have happened since I started telling you all this. A few fellows pledged commitment for my sake. But I knew this can't go on.. I've told those in charge that it's not going to happen and that Iam calling it off for good. They took it well.. they knew I had done my part. And so Iam back again.. to Square one. Now the only thing that's running in my mind right now is the trip scheduled for tomorrow. Bye bye darling! I shan't be seeing for the next four days.
Adios!
 
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
  Iam a dead man. Iam happy with myself that I could make some time to pen a few lines here. Iam just back from my dance rehearsal. My second, in a lifetime, dance rehearsal. Where do I start? It's a colossus of emotions that Iam going through right now - a childlike joy in finally doing what I like and being appreciated for it. utter disbelief and frustration when I see men around me falling out like autumn leaves out of the project... I still remember the chill I felt in my spine when this realisation stuck me that the dance might not happen at all. And since yesterday evening, I have been campaigning to every soul, initiating the genesis of a MJ inside them, make them feel like an inevitable part of the project ... all for this selfish reason that I shouldn't lose this chance also.. all along I've been chasing chances to dance, missing them by a whisker. Iam not sure as to what's gonna happen this time... I've taken up the initiative to lead something that Iam neither a master nor an exponent of. All I can remember is how Stephen king ends his novel, "for once, this green mile seems a little too long".. the road to this mission of getting lost in the beats and moving in unison with my spirit seems a little long for this lifetime of mine.
I guess, it all goes in the making of what I want to be. The frustration, the realisation of human limits and the lesson that reality starts when ethics end and life is one act where you make no assumptions... about what drives men to perform, about consistency in thought, about forces much beyond the obvious that are crucial in making the man's mind. And when the day ends and I slump in my seat searching for life between these lines that I write, I know Iam a happy man. I know, that I shall give up anything in this world to sleep like a corpse in my bed - a smile etched on my face and a satisfaction that I've earned every minute of this rest. The future I see beyond is hectic... Dance rehearsals, client meetings, prototyping for the latest project, an extensive trip at the end of the week, occasions that cannot be missed and woven with this.... the daily chores of existence. I wouldn't lie that I see tomorow as clearly as a crystal. But I know for sure, that I love this feeling. 
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
  Why do I have to call this spot Summer showers? Firstly, even beyond the realms of logic, I love the phrase. Giving it a good amount of thought I realise, from where I come from we have enough and more of both ... Summer and showers. And as it is with everything, our city has too much of these. From times when the downpour doesn't even give you a moment's respite leaving you caught in an island that you never knew you inhabited... to moments when you look like you've been taken straight out of a stove after a barbecue when you so wistfully look at the blue thatch far above... asking it to release the dark clouds for a while atleast as a screen saver... then do they arrive,
an aroma that can never be matched, exuding life into every living cell on earth. You suddenly see the flowers blooming, the grass greener and for one moment, you see all souls closing their eyes, forgetting their physical existence.. feeling one with the spirit of Nature. Such is the magic of summer showers.
For me.. it stands for the respite that I always long for, the serenity that only nature could possess, the touch of magic that brings life into even the dead and the rotten. It stands for all the little things that I remember having done as a boy, a hot cup of tea, indoor cricket, my brother, paper boats in the puddles, blossoming buds that I used to give my mom, the damp soil that was our lords and the oval, my first poem, my first classroom where water found its way to my desk thru the thatched roofs, my dances in the rain and the cold that followed .... and the illusions that stayed beside me when it rained. So much beauty in my life.. and I just didn't notice. Just to paraphrase Forrest gump, I've never named a spot before. But when I was asked to. I couldn't think of any other name. The sweetest name I've heard .. Summer showers.
I don't miss anything.. Neither home nor Mom nor love.. Now I realise I do... I miss life. 
  Do I believe in Destiny? After the last two days, I don't seem to be having a choice. I've never, I repeat NEVER, felt so completely useless and bored in my entire life.. not even when I was jobless.. sitting at home and measuring the frequency of HMR (HBO movie repeats) sitting in the same position in my sofa day in and day out... I've spent 17 hours at my desk and my total throughput would be 0.00082 man-hours. Jeez... If google gets a penny everytime I go to their site, they must have been millionaires by now.... "what do people do when they get so bored", "why do I feel like this", "please tell me something"... are just samples of how hopeless my queries could get. Seems like I've seen it all.. How spiritual sex between Shiva and parvathi is gonna make us feel physically better ( Iam not an atheist.. but isn't this going a little too far!)... How there have been misinterpretations about pontius pillate in the bible just to appease the romans... Movie sites ... modern art galleries... and yeah, the phenomenal women's space (Don't mistake it to be a pornography site. It was this one that was talking of emancipating women from the vices of the society... Let the faith be with you. Amen!) ... Ooomph! The best thing about getting completely screwed is things just can't get worse. :(
And after all this, there still doesn't seem to be a glimmer of hope.. I seem to have found a midas touch over the weekend. Any button I click sends back a flurrry of errors and then the system fails to respond.. I don't know why Iam reminded of this anectode right now... But goes like this, "My friend was a born writer... ever since his childhood, he wanted to write articles that evoke extreme sentiments, stuff that gets people wild, desparate, hopeless and even drives them to Suicide.. recently he mailed me that he's doing just that... He's writing help pages for microsoft these days!"
Now I see where Iam heading to... I had an amazing diwali. The best I've had in years! I was at office from 9-7 doing nothing, went back home.. boiled some noodles and had them for a delicious dinner ... saw Devdas for 'god-knows-how-many'-nth time.. and from what my roommates who came back after a party tell me, I seemed to have been talking of Squares and rectangles (that's the only thing they were able to understand) in the last few minutes of the day! How so wonderfully romantic does this sound!
And to cap it all is the fact that ... it was my choice :) And now, I shall invent stories as to why I didn't go. And so goes the saga of life, to be caught, lost and caught again.. there are just two states.. you are caught with something or lost without anything :) 
Sunday, November 03, 2002
  Would I ever understand where they draw the line between living for yourself and living for someone else. You know the worst thing about all the morals and ethics that are taught in school. They cannot be followed. And lucky are those souls, who don't make an effort to learn them.. who don't nurture a conscience closer to god, and don't fail miserably matching the 'I' that Iam and the 'Me' Iam supposed to be. You know what has to be taught to children.. children have to be taught to know what they want and the ways and the means to get them. Children have to be taught that all that remains at the end of the day is what you have got in hand and what you carry in your heart. And the aim and mission of life has to be maximise the former and minimise the latter.
And so did they teach me when I was in school... that if I take this pain when Iam young, face the ordeals in the name of god, forsake all that I loved at heart... I shall take my death with a toothless grin.. wrinkles etched from cheek to chin, when my heart shall wish for a life beyond... beyond the skies at the divine abode... and if someone could come and tell this world that there's no such thing as heaven or hell... souls would learn to smile for one, and shall dare to wish, win or lose.
Life has to be lived with a perspective and when you start seeing the world through everyone's eyes, all that you see is a kaleidoscope of illusions.. for every man's life is justified thru his eyes ... and when interests conflict, the unrelenting soul finally gets his share.. and the righteous shall be caught again in the vicious circle of justifying what he got.... the ball was in his court.. the choice was his and he chose against... for the sake of souls, who were then around him... and when the pattern changes and when those souls depart leaving him alone... he' s caught in the middle of nought .. his premises of life standing invalid...
As she just said... " God, give me the serenity to accept things I can't change, Give me the strength to change things that I can and the wisdom to differentiate the two".. and the patience to live with the fact that there's nothing in the world I can change, but myself and my wishes! Let the god almighty be with me .. when I stand here at crossroads and choose the road I don't want to go .. for, at the end of the road is heaven and I need him beside me to tell me that's exactly what I've been looking for! Amen. 
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

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Location: Bangalore, India

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