Summer Showers
Saturday, December 28, 2002
  I finally am living with my own true idea for the last two days. And the words of Robert McKee echoes in my mind... "Quite a few deranged souls believe they have perfected the art of story telling playing around with events in their lives and calling their semi-autobiographical sketch of events a classic of all times". That's exactly what Iam doing. Fiddling around with a few chosen moments of this long walk and crafting a screenplay out of it. I've been telling myself the same story over and over again trying to bridge the gaps and patch the holes. I realise I've a long way to go... Sometimes I can't resist this temptation of narrating it to someone but Iam still not sure if it would do it any good considering my prospective audience. And would I ever forget this long ride I went on right now ... straight out of my dreams! From behind the window of my car ... I could see the green fields reaching over to the sky ... clouds like the shadow of the princess of heaven playing in the rain and the last drops glistening from on top of every blade of grass like her cloak on earth .... little streams of water from on top of the car making the imagery look hazy, heavenly and as if just out of a dream ... the road never seemed to end, the music never seemed to stop, the sky never seemed closer .. I close my eyes and wish this never gets over.  
Saturday, December 21, 2002
  Good work Rathish! You are the man :) And yet again Iam not going to tell this spot that I've nothing much to deliver. I guess, this presents me with an excellent chance of cutting down my cliches, foghorns, and the same rotten shit! (oops!) There has been a severe calculation error here .. when they started talking of the holidays marking Joyeux Noel and the Bonne Anne, I calculated them to be 13 times 24 (now what's that! 312 bingo!!) hours just for myself. But I failed to realise that the dissipation of time is exponentially proportional to the number of people around. And the much savoured possibility of having an apartment for myself goes into smoke following the sudden change in plans of a snake with the dry venom! So... all my plans, books and the guitar, I guess, would rot in the dank cellar of my room. Now, that's a pity.. for the last 100 words that I've written the only time I stopped to think was to do the arithmetic. I know what this piece of writing should be called .. shit at the speed of light! Oh boy! Iam going crazy... there's nothing Rathish! Tone it down.... learn to live your life to the fullest .. growing up is not a tight lipped military course where you can't afford to smile!
Anyways .. in the last few days I realised how much I hate losing. I think it's one portfolio where I have to improve. I just realised when tom hanks saw thru the 2 inch window of his space ship that I wouldn't have been able to do it, coz' Iam this man of Heart and not of the mind. And now for that Ideal one that I want to be... this wouldn't work. And when pulling up my socks, I was asking myself if I've ever been more productive or happier. I always have this insecurity about happiness.. along with it creeps the fear of losing it. And whenever I wanna smile till my ears, I stop and check myself coz this negative Me tells me it's too early to rejoice! And now again Iam searching for instances in my mind's ark when I lost my smile to the blowing wind and sat and wept for it alone in the dark. I realise how lifeless this walk would have been had I not been able to see my lines come to life .. I can now see myself, from on top, sitting under a lone lamp post and crying .. the papers flying across in tune with the wild wind.. and the world as I see it ends where the lights dim and beyond that is darkness....
Everytime I start writing here ... I would have one phrase that I would want to use, and I culminate my note with those chosen words. Now when Iam reading what I've written, I realise how true Robert frost was when he talked of working within limits ... and hence shall I take upon myself the task of making sense to the masses at large and at the same time relishing the poetic insincerities of the maverick! Au revoir! 
Sunday, December 15, 2002
  Bang on time! Savouring my last chance to get something in here for this week. I've been tinkering with a "purposeful" piece of text for the whole of last week. During the early hours of today Morning, I was reading about creative limitations that writers put on themselves (Was interesting for a maverick like me, to read that striving for rhyme actually intensifies the feelings expressed in a poem, for working within limits gives you fewer options and hence gets the best - So does Robert frost think) relating it with genres of scripts and why do scriptwriters get their stuff out of the same mould. That elusive seed of thought still is playing cat and mouse with me... my own original idea. These days, it's become a habit of sorts to get the definition right for whatever Iam trying to say. Talk of a script... Now, I realise I've two roads before me .. One where I can walk on the beaten path, where the best have trampled further seedlings of thought, and try finding some life .. a glimpse never observed .. a whiff never caught .. and call it my "mid summernight's dream" . The other is the road less travelled ... the vision of a paranoid, where god is schizophrenic and the logic of any event is cemented by the sheer fact that it happened. The world built on an abstraction of thought that you define and limit. There's this sentence that I've written on my mind's mirror that reads "You aren't doing enough"... Everytime I see myself deep within, I suddenly see infinite mirrors before me that culminates in a view - The contours are hazy, the description vague... the curiosity mounts and suddenly, I see people around me... and then I see myself... Myself as the world sees me, the fallible and imperfect human ... the lines that separates reality, dreams and truth become obscure and then starts the infinite chaos.... a psychotic experiment. The lights dim.. it's a dark room, I search to feel something around me fishing into vacuum with my hands ... I remember I had fever when I felt this for the first time... the first time? I don't remember. Suddenly, seems like a chamber of rooms .. and each room houses a nightmare of mine. I come to a point where you can't verbalise what you feel coz' you have never felt something like that before ... you look for all imperfect similies but fail to find one.... I rush to the door out, run a mile ... see the skies changing color ..and get back to the same crossroads from where I started. I catch myself staring at the mirror rubbing the stubbles on my cheek. Yet another day to live ... I sometimes see people dying to save life for the next day and do this every day ... kill themselves to stay alive tomorrow.... but never realise that tomorrow never comes.... "You can't do this to yourself" as she often tells me.But this is as I see it ... life through the eyes of wide-eyed kid.. the world from behind a stained glass :) 
Saturday, December 07, 2002
  Been a long time since I came here.. 7 days to be precise and I suddenly feel I've so many things to talk about. So many socio-personal topics that have taken an considerable share of my mind's time. I've been making a conscious effort during the last seven days to get my life back on track. I remember cribbing to this blogspot and later to my own illusions (finally! now that's another story!) about how I am wasting time and suddenly... god seemed to have come in all sorts of forms... I don't want to sound too metaphysical... but I can't supress the amusement when I look back at the names of those who shed some light into my life ... a T, a A and an M .. all of different faiths and religions.. from different sections of the world. Oh boy! Call this Globalisation! Anyways.. the good thing is, it's all for good and what's better is, I have lots of things to do. It's been a nice weekend so far.. a close to ideal weekend of sorts! skating skidding and skidding again on ice for the first time, delicious dinner and guess what, compliments for my dish, a wonderful movie ... (have you felt this, a realisation that all the words and emotions on screen sound like a reflection or sometimes, an extrapolation of the deepest of thoughts running in your mind... Happens to me!) and a blissful sleep! Can a friday night get better than this! And could I've meant it more when I looked at that exquisite dress through the windows of the shop, and said, " I wish I could see my wife in that.. " and when asked why only my wife, "When someone so beautiful stands that far from you and you sit here and smile to yourself knowing it's all yours and just yours! what more sense of satisfaction would you need?" and smiled realising that only I know how much I meant it! :)
My saturdays seem to inherit a template and I am sure soon would come a time when I wouldn't be able to differentiate one from another... from the time I wake up, to my lunch and dinner.. it's all the same every week. And so it promises to be in the near future.. Oh frankly, I've no regrets. When lazing in the bed for that brief moment, I sincerely feel I have nothing better to do than to be lost in that state of trance ... as in dusk, the dreams of the night and the reality of the day merge into one romantic crimson shade as I peek out of my blanket to see the world around getting ready for another non-event!
And if you ever want to know, how my weekend was.. look for this article and read it again ... for I can say with utmost confidence.. that so shall it be till I find something "interesting" to do :) 
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

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Location: Bangalore, India

Subjectively firm, objectively flexible and metaphysically malleable

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