Sunday, February 16, 2003
Been a long time since I came here last ... Don't know if it's coz I didn't find anything interesting to say, or is it sheer laziness or a selective amnesia when it comes to fulfilling responsibilities. I shall have to admit that in the last two weeks, I've been a little tipsy turvy with my emotions .. be it an inexplicable sense of euphoria or a dark deep feeling of depression.. Now, when I recollect how I was thinking of my mother at 3 today morning, I realise it's so unlike me. It's of course irrelevant to the topic of discussion that I have never been to figure out what's "like" me.
All that has been running in my mind right now are illusions of future... life beyond what my short term aims reach and shall accomplish- the road to Utopia, the secret of a joyful and stressless life, if there's anything like that. There are of course, as I've always realised, limits to how much you can expect life to go according to your plan. But, I've never been able to resign to fate accepting the law of life that ideality and reality are mutually exclusive. I've been so "miserably" lost in thoughts as I've confessed over and over again ... drives me to the same point of fear .. a nurtured insecurity out of experiences in the past. It's like racing in the motor tracks - You know when you are being too hard on the accelerator and search frantically for the brake pedals .. coz' there've been times in the past, when you thought you can live in this moment a little longer.. get the speed levels little higher .. thoroughly enjoying those moments at the edge of life, only to crash heads-on, pulverising every bit of poise, control and joy... sweeps off life off your eyes and leaves you as a piece of trash without the slightest bit of focus.
Anyways ... life seems to have gained a bit of direction right now. I can clearly see what I have to do for the next 5 months and only two souls in this world would realise how important these following months are .. coz' it's our lives we are talking of here. Anyways, I would have to stick those words of lord krishna somewhere when he says, "do your duty dude and I shall take care of the rest!". Ok master! As you say! ¶ 10:28 AM
All that has been running in my mind right now are illusions of future... life beyond what my short term aims reach and shall accomplish- the road to Utopia, the secret of a joyful and stressless life, if there's anything like that. There are of course, as I've always realised, limits to how much you can expect life to go according to your plan. But, I've never been able to resign to fate accepting the law of life that ideality and reality are mutually exclusive. I've been so "miserably" lost in thoughts as I've confessed over and over again ... drives me to the same point of fear .. a nurtured insecurity out of experiences in the past. It's like racing in the motor tracks - You know when you are being too hard on the accelerator and search frantically for the brake pedals .. coz' there've been times in the past, when you thought you can live in this moment a little longer.. get the speed levels little higher .. thoroughly enjoying those moments at the edge of life, only to crash heads-on, pulverising every bit of poise, control and joy... sweeps off life off your eyes and leaves you as a piece of trash without the slightest bit of focus.
Anyways ... life seems to have gained a bit of direction right now. I can clearly see what I have to do for the next 5 months and only two souls in this world would realise how important these following months are .. coz' it's our lives we are talking of here. Anyways, I would have to stick those words of lord krishna somewhere when he says, "do your duty dude and I shall take care of the rest!". Ok master! As you say! ¶ 10:28 AM
