Hmmm... Another weekend passes by and I don't realise a difference. Now that eachone sleeps under his roof, Iam left with a whole house for myself for most of the following week. Frankly, I don't see much of a difference as that's how I've been all this while in my new house. Looking back at the week, I realise it's much better than the last one. In terms of deliverables, I don't think there's any bit of difference between what I've achieved in these two weeks. But, I guess it all boils down to how my efforts have been noticed and appreciated. New projects promising to be better ventures than the previous one, and a greater onus on my shoulders in each of these responsibilities ... You know what, it's stuck in my mind that the life Iam living here is a miniature version of what a normal life is in all aspects... a life that in many ways has been idealised and captured inside walls of a painted jar. Everything around me looks so readymade and perfect. If the present is in anyway an indication of future, Iam yet to realise the perils of the life of a working man. She told me, during that one dinner date, that I remind her of Jim Carrey in Truman show. I never got the link. But, now when I look at my life.... I realise there is so much in common between me and the star inside a dome called universe. Day in and day out, I meet the same set of 30 odd people - 4 in my office, 15 to 20 of them in my immediate neighbourhood and the rest sipping coffee in the restaurant or working out in the gym. This is my world and they are all the people who matter in my universe. And you can move this population from a place from another, and I wonder if I would know the difference. I've never been in terms with being content. As for me, life always has a catch. It's this devious snake at the garden of Eden that shows me the fruit of knowledge and waits for me to fall prey. Well, I guess it helps ... to question every faith than to incredulously fall prey to assumptions defied everytime by the human race. After all, all that I want to be, is to be happy! :)  ¶ 9:19 AM 1 comments

  Now that was a coincidence... I write about managing change last week and I end up reading "Who Moved my Cheese?" today! Nice book... reminds me of the rabbit, frog and the hunter story that someone told me before the play. And whatever I've been missing in that screenplay that I've been fiddling with for quite sometime now, has been given on a platter this afternoon between those lines of sense in that tiny collection of pages.
Otherwise, Looking back on a week, After a long time I end up missing and messing an appointment; I end up screwing up a deadline (which again, I don't realise how I could have thwarted!) .... not a nice week, eh! I am smiling to myself right now for resting the squibs on those rituals I believe in but failed to keep up :) Guess, it does make a difference. Now when I look at it, I realise it's all about moving the cheese. I should have sniffed it coming.... Shall do it henceforth. The best thing about Advice is that, what finally makes sense to us is not something we don't know or never even thought about.. it's something that stuck us sometime but we never took seriously... Something, we expected an X to nail on our foreheads! And thee shalt call him a prophet.. .coz' he turned your eyeballs inwards and told you something you knew deep within.
Anyways .. as Ham says, "better late than never!". Shall have to look at my next stop in life pretty seriously.... I guess, as always, I've got things to a point where I don't have a choice. I wonder why I love living life like this "on the edge"! She tells me, it's dangerous... Well c'mon.. what's more dangerous than living! :)  ¶ 7:50 AM 0 comments

  For a guy like me basking in the luxury of a steady state, this week has been a wonderful experience. Quite a few situations where I was at crossroads, between taking a detour from the same beaten path I tread everyday, and to stay in this state of intellectual hibernation, I chose the road less travelled and now at the end of it all, Iam a happy man. It's the same paraphernalia everytime.... I miss my first chance of doing something, and for a long time I regret missing it and wait for the second chance to come by, the excitement builds as everyday passes by and I can see the silhouette of my dream realising itself at a distance, and as the moment of choice gets nearer, self doubt creeps in and creates a catastrophe, and moments before the the occasion my whole self votes against change and prefers to sleep longer in the same rug... and then if I lose this battle of will, I stand to regret for the rest of my life ... and if I win, it's a euphoric feeling that can never be replaced. Seems weird why decisions in life don't just depend on the deliverables... if I do it, I shall be happy and if I don't I shall regret ... and yet, my whole mass stands resolved against accepting change!
I should be knowing better, thanks to those simulations that send the signals thru the human decision making networks to observe their behaviour... Only if, the gap between theory and life were a little lesser, life would have been a much easier task to pursue ... and you bet, less interesting too :)  ¶ 4:30 AM 0 comments

  And just when I thought, there couldn't have been a duller week than what walked on my corpse .... the skies above called out for a wonderful display! For the first time in the history of this place (to be read as the last few years), it snowed.. and boy! it snowed big time!! It all started sometime in the afternoon, when we saw a few white flakes disappearing into the grounds below .. An hour later, grimacing at my options on tv with a hot coffee mug in my hand, I looked out to see one of the most beautiful sights I've ever set eyes upon. It was like my window led me to the worlds where the snow white lay on a bed of roses, where hansel and gretel dropped their crumbs of bread, and where evil spirits spit deaths and as they walked along in search of lives and blood in the middle of a walt disney set.. And soon we started out on a car in search of the lands lost in snow. And were they beautiful... It was all white till what our eyes could reach. Never realised, a monochrome world would look so breathtaking and would evoke such sentiments deep inside. Everything around us seemed dead.. it was like a battlefield after the ruins .. only that the blood and gore were in white. I could almost hear the dying creepers crying out of pain. But, it was beautiful. Seems inhuman right now when I think about it. But then I was looking at the roses and not at the coffins.
Not just beautiful.. but so "miserably" romantic. When the plants on the creek went white with the snow amidst the waters turning black with weeds down below, you look at your footprints in the path behind and sorely miss those that should have been beside. There are few things in this world more romantic than watching the snow painting a serene picture on your window, when you stand beside your bed ...and those few things being, going out on a ride and making faces with snow to carve a smile on the face that you shall never get tired of seeing, leaving a slight creek in the window for the bed to get colder, for her to say, "Rathish, it's so cold" and for you to say,"Oh yeah.. let me hug you tighter!" and kiss her gently when the night is still young, standing under a huge pine treee hugging her while it's snowing all around you and when she frets about her wet hair and adjusts her cap the way only she could, your eyes stay fixed on her till she notices and asks you, "what?" and you lie again ..."You look so beautiful!" ;) and when in the middle of the night you lie in eachother's arms sweating, when it's snowing outside... you look into her eyes and say "I love you" and couldn't have meant it more. I wonder how lifeless my life would have been without these illusions. So many times, I feel they complete me - and make me what Iam.
A sigh! and it's all I've right now... I look outside my window beyond the snow... at the stars ... asking them when it shall dawn. "Soon!" they say! .. Soon!  ¶ 9:28 AM 1 comments

  Bonne Annee. For the first time in my life, Iam spending a new year's eve outside my house. And for the first time, I missing my bro's birthday! It's been a practice that I wouldn't want to quit, penning a few lines down.... an introspection of the year that went by and an effort to focus on the bigger picture for the next year. The bygone year has been good, rather excellent, in many aspects. May be the best thing about 2002 is that, it's left me with a long list of things-to-dos for the year to come. Yesterday, lying in my bed ... trying hard to sleep, an hour long movie on what my near future should be like screened itself before my eyes. A diffidence in realising my resolutions has been reaffirmed with every year that's passed by.... it's like standing near the sign that reads "Welcome to a new year!" with an Ark of promises on my back. And everytime the sun dawns, I look at my ark and say "they shall be done tomorrow" and carry them everyday! And lo, comes a day when I see the next sign on my way!! And a truckload of wishes wait beside the board to strain my back for another long mile...
Hm... and so standing here, I tell myself I would ... learn to play the guitar, write my second screenplay, go to the gym, learn salsa, start talking in french, get my hands on the steering wheel ... and so goes the list for another kilometer. It's all in a pursuit of the smile that you wear, when someone out of the blue asks you how your year has been so far and you suddenly realise, despite all these broken promises, that you have actually had a wonderful year! You remember the smiles etched on those faces you would never forget, the drops of rain that fell on your face and sank in your hearts, the look in the eyes, the touch of the hands, the tears that you never saw, the stabs that you shall forever feel, and the distances that shall always remain the same.
And from where I stand now ... when all the roads in my life seem to converge into a huge illusion, promises are all I've. And each day is yet another step towards the horizon. "No one is given the right to wish for something, without being given the means to achieve it!" .. and if that's so, I shall walk any extra mile to get my life in place. And, let this new year be a huge step in the right direction. Aho! I come ....  ¶ 8:32 AM 0 comments